Who makes up the ranks of the eligible in Northern Virginia? A quick search of the major dating sites for profiles of local men over 45 reveals a shocking number of them posing bare-chested, or holding beer or fish. Some are smiling in obvious discomfort at their bathroom mirrors as they pose for selfies. And there is the occasional cross-dresser.
Profiles of guys in this area between 35 and 45 are just as likely to show them shirtless, although with fewer fish, more hair and more genuine smiles. And lots of dogs.
Women, on the other hand, seem more likely to post candid self-portraits that were taken for other purposes—with children or dogs or during outings with friends. They tend to disclose more information than do their male counterparts, sharing details of films and books they love and using the word “honest” a lot. “Sincere” is a common refrain in their descriptions of the ideal man.
But shallowness crosses gender lines. A few men insist they only want to date women who wear a size 6, and several women say they only want to date men who are significantly taller, so they can wear kick-ass heels.
And after a while, the photos and profiles all tend to blend together, like résumés for coveted jobs and college applications for Ivy League universities. Is it possible that the majority of daters truly are all good listeners, nondrinkers and great kissers and give great back-rubs?
Navigating these treacherous shoals is not made any easier by channel-surfing shows like The Bachelorette, The Millionaire Matchmaker or—God help us—Dating Naked, which portray the quest for love as a prize to be won by one party and one party alone.
Which is perhaps why some local residents, like John Murphy, 57, have redefined the digital dating game on their own terms. An Arlington civic activist and president of Washington Workplace, a firm specializing in workplace design, Murphy hasn’t lost sight of the fun in searching for love, even if it’s love that may not endure. Unlike many of his peers, he views online dating as an adventure, not as a potential exercise in rejection or forever.
“I’ve met many women I’ve gone on to date for a week, a month or a few months,” says Murphy, who is twice divorced and the father of a 19-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter. “A good date means we had a nice dinner, shared some good conversation, talked about our kids. Dating in your 50s doesn’t have to go anywhere; everyone is looking for someone to talk to and to make a connection. I get to meet a lot of different people. We tend to surround ourselves with people just like us, but online I get to meet people outside my circle. I have genuinely had some great experiences.”
One of those great experiences led Murphy to Ellen Hartman, 48, whom he has been seeing for the past nine months. “He’s completely transparent, very refreshing,” says Hartman, a fund-raiser for a large nonprofit who, ironically, lives a mere mile and a half down Columbia Pike from Murphy.
“I don’t think we would ever have run into each other [in the analog world],” she says, noting that the trajectories of their lives had taken them in different directions. “He’s got two kids, he serves on community boards, is running his own business. I have no ex-husbands, no kids or pets, and my work schedule is manageable. That’s part of what makes it work.” But it took the Internet for them to find each other.
Trial-and-error dating can be grueling, admits Hartman, who has suffered her share of duds. “I had a date with one guy who hadn’t even gotten separated yet!” she remembers. “His wife had an ongoing relationship with someone outside of the marriage…and he hadn’t announced he wanted a separation. Had I known, I wouldn’t have gone.”
Nevertheless, she urges others not to be deterred by the occasional bad experience. “You’ve got to keep trying,” she says. “One date can change your perspective [from a negative one] to a positive one.”