Much of the conventional wisdom on parenting has changed over the last half century. As kids, members of my generation endured the occasional spanking (what some today would call child abuse) and rode in cars without seat belts. Our parents happily accepted hand-me-down toys from friends and neighbors, never questioning whether some might have been recalled due to manufacturing defects. They didn’t consider it their job to eradicate boredom from our lives.
They treated our broken hearts and skinned knees with kisses and hugs, but also recognized those things as rites of passage that are part of the human experience.
Our parents never heard of high fructose corn syrup and they didn’t worry about hormones in the water. They fed us casseroles mixed with cream of mushroom soup and topped with crushed potato chips. We survived (although America now has record rates of obesity).
“I had peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches [for lunch] for, like, 12 years,” says Gresenz. “Now, I get up and it takes me half an hour in the morning. I mean, it’s comical. I rinse and cut fresh fruit. I heat up pasta [for school lunches]. It’s like a nine-course chef’s meal.”
Nothing like her mom’s assembly line of PB&J sandwiches with a side of two chocolate chip cookies for each of the family’s eight kids.
But then again, we aren’t the same parents that our parents were.
I will admit that my own kids wake up most mornings to a fresh fruit salad that would rival most bed-and-breakfast offerings. Perhaps it’s my way of protecting them (or at least attempting to) from our family history of cancer.
Will that daily dose of love and antioxidants make a difference in the long run? There’s no way to be sure. But I know better than to serve Pop-Tarts.
Homework for Parents
ALLOW YOUR KIDS TO FAIL. “The freedom to try something, to fail at something…parents aren’t giving that to their children now,” says parenting author and syndicated columnist Marguerite Kelly.
GIVE THEM OPPORTUNITIES TO BE INDEPENDENT. “Everything that you do for a child that he could do for himself, you’re subliminally saying ‘You’re not smart enough to do this. You’re not experienced enough,’” Kelly adds.
CREATE UNPLUGGED FAMILY TIME. That includes designated times to turn off your phone. Elizabeth Kitsos-Kang, managing director of Arlington’s Educational Theater Company, tells her own children, “Let’s pick two things to do this semester, so we’re not out four nights a week at practices and games and rehearsals.” They also set aside at least two nights a month for a family movie night or game night.
LET KIDS CHOOSE THEIR OWN ACTIVITIES. Even if you disagree with their choices. “Kids should be encouraged to follow whatever their passion is,” says Kelly. “In Washington, that’s hard to come by, because parents are very ambitious for themselves, so they’re ambitious for their kids. But their children may not be ambitious in a material sense, or interested in the same things they are. You have to let them decide.”
MODEL HEALTHY STRESS MANAGEMENT. Teaching kids how to handle anxiety, stress and pain is the ultimate gift a parent can give, says clinical psychologist Todd Kashdan. “No matter what we do, no matter what armor we have them wear, when they go to school and leave our house, they’re going to get rejected, they’re going to get teased, they’re going to be picked on, they’re going to be sad and feel anxious.” They need to know how to cope.
DON’T EXPECT PERFECTION. Parents should learn to embrace their kid’s mistakes, Kashdan argues, because kids learn by doing. “When we have this notion that there’s a right way and there’s another way, we’re not teaching our kids to be agile.”
CHILL ABOUT COLLEGE. Try not to panic about grades and let kids perform at their own level. Even if your child is a B or C student, there’s a college for them. Pushing a child to perform beyond his or her abilities will only create frustration and feelings of incompetence.
BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM. This was the buzzword a decade ago, and it’s important to remember its real source, says Kelly. “For kids, self-esteem comes from feeling respected and from being self-sufficient. It comes from being taken seriously and having their dreams taken seriously.”
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. Your kids are watching what you do, notes Kitsos-Kang. “We model stress to them by schlepping them from one thing to another and juggling three jobs and trying to get dinner on the table and walk the dog.” Take time for yourself to rejuvenate so you can be a happier, better parent for your kids.
ENCOURAGE KINDNESS AND EMPATHY. “With all the pressures and stress, we get so busy and so focused on what your child can do,” says psychotherapist Gloria Carpenter. “And we forget about who your child is.” Encourage kids to build strong relationships with other people, and remind them that building those relationships takes time.
In the process of raising three kids in Arlington, Amy Brecount White has known many joys and a few regrets.
*Teen names have been changed for privacy.